(useless) information

A 26yr old female whose brain is powered by caffeine; without its main fuel source it has a working speed slower than that of a slug. That aside, she wishes she could grow a teeny weeny bit (read: a lot) taller and constantly whines about her weight. Enjoys devising novel ways to traumatise people with her bludders. Oh, and she is rather antisocial.

I had trouble falling asleep last night.
Tossed and turned in bed, glanced at the clock.

Damnit. 3am.

Tossed and turned again, started counting sheep.

Nabeh. 3.30am liao.

Started naming the sheep I was counting and developing complicated family history of each sheep.

Knn.. 4.30am!

The reason why I couldn't fall asleep last night was because I was scared.

It just struck me that I've been wasting the past 2 weeks, doing nothing in particular. Did not look for jobs, did not tidy up my room. Basically I did zilch. Nada. Diddly.

I constantly made up excuses for myself.

- Results aren't out yet, therefore I can't look for a job.

- I'm tired.

- I don't feel well.

- (Last week) I don't have internet.
(Plus 4324910489149 other excuses)

So I spent the entire night thinking about what I should do. Frankly, up to this point, I still don't know what I should do. I can't see what lies ahead. I don't know what I want in life. I think that's why I went to further my studies.

To avoid thinking about what I want in life.

True, I do have some dreams about my future. Own a car, a bungalow, have a great career, have a 1.9m tall hubby who, coincidentally, is friggin' rich and has the looks of Takeshi Kaneshiro.

Yeah rite.

But the problem is, I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to fight for my future. My life has been.. well.. a result of drifting around aimlessly.

I studied life science by default. I hate maths, so I can't be an accountant. My English is OK, but I suck at public speaking, so I can't be a lawyer. I am not imaginative, so I can't be a designer.

So I chose Biotech in TP.
Worked for 2 years in a stat board.
Got bored.
Went to further studies.
Graduated with Hons degree.

Frankly, I wish I could study forever. Take a phD project, and I won't have to worry about my life for the next three years.

But during the course of my research project the past year has made me realise what kind of person I am.

Deep inside me resides a person who craves (unspoken) recognition. A person who wants other people to be impressed by her work (and talent, if she has, but frankly she doesn't - she just works harder than other people). She doesn't need to progress in her career (in fact, she doesn't want to advance in her career) because she doesn't want the responsibilities associated with that kind of progression. She just wants people to remember her as that person who can produce good work.

Sounds kinda contradictory huh?

Anyway I burnt myself out during the course of my Hons research. I'm tired. I put in more effort in this project than anything else I've ever done in my life. Think that's why I've been wasting my life away for the past 2 weeks.

I think I'm really a contradictory person. I want recognition, a successful career, a good life ahead, but I don't want the responsibility associated with it, and I'm too lazy to work towards these goals.

Wth.

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Frankly I do not know the purpose of writing this post. I don't suppose there's any reason. I guess it's just a means for me to write out whatever I am thinking, things which I don't think I would say out to my friends and/or family. Plus I'm scared. Of what, I can't put my finger to it. Everything, maybe.

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Update: Finally decided to clean up my room. Argh. Finally accomplished something. Yay. Now back to wasting my life away by watching Happy Tree Friends. They rock.
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